The Role of a Lifetime

Over the past year, I spent a lot of time thinking about my crazy busy life. Essentially, I was in way over my head with committee assignments, work projects, church tasks and everything else. I was doing too much and as a result, was not happy and was not at my best. I had to step back and ask myself, "How do I get off this crazy treadmill?"

The answer was simple. I had to cut back on what I was doing...I had to STOP. This insight is not rocket science. In fact, it's a very basic and straight-forward solution. However, it is not an easy solution. Most people struggle with "just stopping," because we are not clear about, or we are not committed to our personal priorities and goals. Once we lose sight of these critical pieces, we take any role that looks good. Problem is, every role that looks good, is not good for you.

When I work with a client, I have them complete a Personalized Role-Call Assessment. This is an exercise that helps you identify and visualize all the roles in your life. It is a powerful tool that helps my clients understand exactly why they are tired, stressed and overwhelmed. Once you see a picture of all your "hats", you can understand what is really going on in your life.

Once my clients complete the Role-Call, we spend a lot of time assessing if their roles align with their personal values, desires and goals. I ask them key questions such as:

Which role takes the most out of you?
What role(s) asks for too much from you?
Which role gives back to you the most?

Questions like these help my clients better understand their roles, and they provide the knowledge they need to make changes, if they desire, and ultimately control their lives.

Do you need help managing all your roles and their demands? Try a complimentary coaching session and experience how Working Mom Solutions can work for you.

You Have to Ask to Receive

This is the time of year when I become the person that many hate to see coming. Yes, I become a fundraiser for a local non-profit that I completely believe in and support. It is not an easy task, and it is not something I particularly enjoy. In fact, in this economy, it is extra challenging. However, despite the fact that unemployment is high and families are struggling more than ever, I still have to ask. I have to ask, because there is still a need.

I work on, the Art of Asking, with my clients all the time. It may not be asking for financial support for a cause, but it may be asking for something that you need. If there is a need, you must ask for it. Going without the ask, simply leaves your need unmet. Period...end of story.

In their book Womenomics, authors Claire Shipman and Katty Kay talk about the number one thing that women want to ask for today - more control over their time; specifically their time at work. As a result, women are asking for a work schedule that meets their needs.

No, asking for something is not always an easy task. However, it is essential if you want to be the leader in your life. When I work with clients, we start with the following Ask Skills in mind:


Know What You Are Asking For: If you are going to ask for something, be very clear about what you need and why. The clarity and reasoning is important for the person you are asking, but it is essential for you too. You need to be very clear about your needs.

Manage Your Emotions: Going into an Ask with any emotion in overdrive is not a good idea. It is fine to be angry, excited and even have some desperation. However, you need to manage those feelings when you are asking for something. People want to feel confident in what you are asking for and why. Being overly emotional, during the Ask, can make people question if you have really thought through what you need or want.

Just Go For It: Think about your own kids or the children that you know. They are free with asking.. In fact, they ask all the time. They have no fear or shame and asking for things over and over again. They know nothing about "waiting for the right moment" or "setting up the situation". Instead, they just go for it. True, it is important to be wise about when, what and why you are asking, but the point here is that you have to at least ask!

Keep Asking:
Back to the kids. The funny thing about kids is that they are extremely resilient when it comes to The Ask. They will ask and ask again until we finally give-in from exhaustion or the need to just move onto something else. They never give up, because they believe their need is so strong. You may need to develop some resiliency in this area - don't be so quick to give up when someone says no.

All of these tips are important, but there is one thing that is essential and that is Staying Open. As we go through life, we are not going to get everything we need. If we do get it, we may not get it at the time or in the way we want it. As you practice the Art of Asking, be sure to stay open to having your need met in different ways. For example, you may ask your partner for help with the kids at bedtime by having him do their bedtime story and tuck them in at night. On the other hand, he wants to help by doing bath time. Not exactly what you were looking for, but it is help....right? The challenge is being clear on what you need and open to it when it comes in a different form.

Coaching Question: If you want more control over your life, what do you need to ask and to whom?

Bedtime Wars

Phyllis Zee, M.D., director of the Sleep Disorders Center at Northwestern Memorial Hospital in Chicago claims that adults need seven or eight hours of sleep to be healthy and functioning at their best. For me, I know this to be true. When I do not get my needed rest, I feel terrible and make mistake after mistake on whatever I am trying to accomplish.

Most people want to get more sleep, but the challenge is getting the time to sleep! Take a look at my evening last night to better understand what I mean.



7pm:
Me: "It's time to take your bath and go to bed."
Son #2: "Why?"
Me: "Because I said so. I'm the Mommy, and I'm in charge." (Secretly to myself...I am in charge, right?)
Son #2: "But I'm not tired."
Me: "Well, I am, and Mommy has to talk to on the phone with Ms. Kathleen, so I need you in bed." (Why does he need to know this?)
Son #2 "You get to have all the fun. I never get to have fun." (Kid, you have no idea!)

Bath time happens and we are off to the races for bed...right?

7:45pm
Son#1:"I'm hungry."
Me: "You had snack earlier. Let's read a book and go to bed."
Son#2:"I'm hungry too." (This is a problem, because Son#2 really does need a full belly to sleep)
Me: "Ok, mommy will get everyone a snack, and we will eat while we read our book."

The Troops Are Ecstatic!

8:20pm - 20 minutes past bedtime
Me: "I don't want to have to put you in your bed again...this is the 3rd time."
Son#2: "But mommy, I want to sleep with you. I don't like my bed." (Light bulb moment...my husband knows I have this 8:30pm call. Let me just send Son #2 down to the basement with him where he is lounging and watching TV)
Me: "Well, go down and see daddy in the basement. He wants to talk to you." (Don't judge me, you do it too)
Son#2:"Ok." (He happily skips downstairs)

Time to prep for my evening meeting. Not a desirable meeting time, but it is the typical "office hours" for us busy moms.

8:25pm:
Son#2: "Mommy," he says as he dances into the room, "daddy said I can sleep in your bed."
Me: "Oh" (Clock is ticking....my phone is about to ring...I'm annoyed...and...)
Son #2: "Mommy, your phone is ringing."
Me: "Thanks. Get under the covers and don't say a word. Mommy has an important call."
Son #2: Jumps onto the bed and under the covers and flashes his big "I win" grin.
Me: I pick up the phone to find my counterpart in bed with her children....Hmmmmm!

So, what happened to, "I'm the mommy and I'm in charge!"

Honestly, I think it got lost between the stress of being ready for my evening meeting, my exhausted body, my overtired mind and may patience that left around 7pm that evening. The combination was not a good mix and resulted in me waving my white flag and surrendering.

What does that mean though? Does it mean that I "lost" and he "won". Sometimes it feels that way, but at the end of the day I did what worked for that situation. Granted, it is a situation that I did not like, but that is where we landed. So, what was the "right" thing to do for a busy mom like me? Truth be told, there is no "right" thing to do. In that moment, I needed to have this meeting so we could all go to bed...I wanted to sleep!

We all spend so much time trying to psychoanalyze situations and compare what we are doing to what the books, news or our neighbors say. No more...what is it that you need to do? What works for your family?

Personally, I really need my evening time. I crave my quiet time after the kids are in bed. It is such a special and peaceful time for me, so I need to keep that time sacred. I also am a person that really needs sleep. I need it like I need food and when I do not get it, everyone has a problem. So, how do I end the bedtime wars and get the sleep that I need?

• My first step is promoting mommy's "special time". I am talking it up all the time. I need to teach the people around me what I want.
  
• Next, I need to work the routine that I have with my kids. It is a chore, but the more I do it the better off everyone is - plus the reward of a quiet house and me reading in my own bed is huge!
  
• I also need to avoid evening meetings - something I will gladly pursue. However, I know they are somewhat inevitable in my busy life, so I need to plan them more strategically. They need to fall on nights when Son #2 is going to be tired and ready for bed.
  
• Next, is engaging some help from "others" in the house. This requires communication prior to being in the middle of the battle field. It also means assuring that my husband and I implement the same bedtime routine with the kids.

Lack of sleep can be a lot more problematic than just making you feel tired. It can also negatively impact your health. Studies have shown that people who don’t get enough quality sleep are more likely to be overweight and have a greater risk for heart disease.

We need our sleep, so make sure you are finding a way to make it happen in your home!

Backpacks Are Back!

School is back in session, and this is a great time to kickstart family-friendly routines. Use the energy and excitement of the new year to identify routines that are going to help you and your family function better. This is the time to do this! Don't put it off, because we all know it is easier to stay with a bad habit than a good one.

Jumpstart this today with our challenge...

Action Challenge:

1. Identify a time of day (morning, afternoon or evening) that could benefit from a routine overhaul.
   
2. Sit down with your family and explore how you can make this time work better for all of you.
3. Put your plan in action!
   

Learn to Bend, Not Crack

Like you, my life has its share of problems, challenges and really hard times. This season of my life is no exception as the stars have, yet again, aligned to say...,"test her faith with this and challenge her fortitude with that."

Yes, the battle is testing my faith and fortitude, but I know...this too shall pass. I understand that on the other side of this valley is a mountain top where light will shine brightly on me. However, moving through the valley can be tough. Actually, on some days I want to hide in bed with the covers over my head. Challenge is, the kids would make me get up! As a result, like you, I get up and move through the test of that moment. I do this not always with grace and ease, but with faith, trust and a commitment to moving through the valley.

Do you ever wonder how some people fight through difficult times? The answer is simple...these people are resilient.

Resilience is the ability to successfully adapt to change and the challenges we all face. Think of it as your "Bounce-Back Factor". Your ability to bend and not break when the going gets tough. Resiliency is key, because it helps us recover from difficulties stronger, better and wiser.

So, what's the secret? How can you be resilient in life? Research shows that women who are the most resilient tend to practice the following:

• They Have Faith: Believe and depend on something greater than yourself
• They Ask for Help: Don't take everything on yourself
• They are Optimistic: There is great power in positive thinking
• They Have a Playful Spirit: "Resilient people enjoy themselves, like children do," says Al Siebert, PhD, author of The Resiliency Advantage
• They Give Back: Helping others puts our own challenge in perspective
  
• They Find the Lesson: There is a reason for your challenge...discover it
  
• They Take Care of Themselves: How can you fight if you are not fit?
  

No, don't plan to take all of the above on in one day. The concept is to integrate these practices into your life gradually. Focus on building them in, so you can build up a reservoir of resiliency.

Walk In Your Greatness

In his recent speech to students, Barack Obama claimed, "Every single one of you has something you're good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is."


Strong and powerful words that I hope we can clear our partisan views to embrace. For me, it speaks to the need for all of us to discover our purpose in life, so we can make decisions and take actions that allow us to walk in all our greatness.

Are you living in your purpose and ultimately your greatness? Well, to begin, do you know what your purpose is?

We so often go through our days and life on auto-pilot. We never take the time to stop and say,"What am I here to do?" Some of us are afraid to explore the question, because we worry that we do not know the answer. Others do not want to explore the question, because it simply will confirm that we are not living the life we know we should.

Guess what? Both of these worries are valid and OK! The process of discovery is what we are all responsible for as citizens of this world. Your responsibility is to commit to the time and journey of learning what your unique purpose is for being on this earth. We must all learn what our purpose is, so we can then walk in our greatness...it is part of our price for having the privilege of being part of something bigger and better than ourselves.

Take the challenge and just think about it. You may be amazed at what you discover.

Suffocating for Growth

When things are out of order in my life, I feel like I am suffocating. It's almost as though the air around me is being sucked away and sent off someplace far away. The crazy thing is that when life is really out of sorts, it seems like I am frozen and stuck watching the "good" air just fly away from me.

Why is this the case and is there any benefit to it? From a physiological standpoint, it does make sense. When we are stressed, we tend to tighten-up, and we often take very shallow breaths. Hence...the suffocation! What is the benefit of this?

It is hard to say that there is a clear benefit to feeling like you are suffocating. However, can you see that there is a benefit in learning what you do not want to feel? None of us like the feeling of a tight chest or lack of air associated with suffocating. The ironic beauty is that the feeling of suffocating helps us remember what we do not like, so we do not do it again.

What is making you feel like you are suffocating, and what do you think it is trying to teach you?

Travel Tales

How wonderful is vacation? It is great to get away and at least try to relax. My family just returned from our family vacation and took a new travel mode...we actually drove! For us, that is huge, we are really plane people when we get past 3 to 4 hours. However, we thought it was wise to save the cash and pack the mini van for our ultimate road trip. I am happy to say we made it...12 hours down and back to Hilton Head. Wow!

To my surpirse the travel was not as bad as I thought or feared it would be. It was actually kind of fun. Check out how we made it happen:

1. Leave at the Crack of Dawn: We left at 4am...which must be illegal! However, by the time we actually woke up and realized what we were doing, we were already 2-3 hours into the trip.


2. Lots and lots of Snacks: Food always makes things go faster, right?


3. Videos: A good movie helped the kids get through 1-2 hours of time


4. Play-Away Books on Tape: Our family loves the library, and now we really love to use their books on tape via play-away. This is a recorded system (similar to an iPod) that you borrow from the library. All you need is your own headsets. Everyone had their own books on tape to listen to. It helped us escape from being truly annoyed by each other. The kids loved having their own headsets and felt very grown-up.


5. Satellite Radio: XM Radio was great to listen to for everyone. The kids had Disney, my husband had his hour of sports and I tapped into Oprah throughout the trip.

At the end of the day, I actually had more activities than time. Once again, I over planned but better to be safe than stuck on I95 with screaming kids. We had more than enough to do to keep us occupied and we would definitely do it again.

Live Your Life, Not Hers

We often define what success looks like based on external expectations. We are a society that thrives on comparing and defining what is "good" or "correct" by a set of rules and standards. The question is, whose standards are we trying to live up to, and why are we following their rules?

In order to truly take back your life, YOU must be the one who defines its success. If you take the time to be the author of your own expectations, you can establish role responsibilities that are reasonable and realistic. Once you have established your own expectations, you can then focus on mastery within your own context. Mastery implies perfection, but again this principle is asking that you serve as the source of that "mastery" definition.

A perfect example of defining your own mastery can be seen in IBM's Inhi Cho Suh who was recently featured in the July edition of Working Mother magazine. Inhi, one of the youngest VP's at the tech giant, recently became a first-time mom. In the article, Inhi shares how she quickly realized the need to set her own expectations, priorities and boundaries as a working mom. Inhi states,"I told myself I wasn't going to be the best mom in the world, or even try to be." In making this bold statement, Inhi has freed herself from the expectations of others. In essence, she has empowered herself by being the measuring stick of her own success. She calls the shots and can gauge where she falls on the spectrum of success.

Take the time to clearly define what success looks like in your roles. This is very important, because functioning based on the expectations of others can be frustrating, exhausting and often unattainable. Take charge of your life and set your own standards for being a "good" wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend and everything else in your very busy world.

(Read the full article on Inhi Cho Suh)

Be a Self-Leader

Do you ever feel like your life is leading you instead of you leading your life? This often happens because we are not being the leaders of our lives.

Being the leader of your life means you know how you want your life to function, and you are clear on why this is important. This understanding serves as your guide or compass in life - this is your vision!

Could you imagine setting out on a journey without a map or directions? How about if you were trying to sail without a compass? Truly, you would get lost. This is exactly the same thing that happens in your life, if you are not a self-leader.

Managing multiple roles such as mom, wife, employee and more makes having a clear vision even more important. Without this vision, you can easily get lost and be pulled in different directions. In fact, you can get pulled into someone else's priorities. When this happens, we are not living our priorities, and the result is often stress and tension.

Take some time to define what is important to you. Next step, determine if your life reflects it. Then, the very brave step is living your priorities. The great news is that you do not have to do this alone. Tap into your village or support system as a source of accountability. There is great power and strength in numbers, so don't be afraid to share your vision!